This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Had an epiphany today.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing