Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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#inspiration #foodforthought
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this