Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.