Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
kitchen magnet
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?