me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book