I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Meow
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?