Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
never deleting this app.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.