It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.