Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Get in loser we’re going crying
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I love you…
…r dog.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…