Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Jupiter
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Our lord and savoury.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.