*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
welp
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands