When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
You Might Also Like
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.