Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Seas the day!!!!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Seems kinda suspicious
oh my god
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?