T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
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[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.