Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
synchronized noseblowing
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.