Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
You Might Also Like
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me hooking up with my ex
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy