Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Happens to everyone.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.