[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again