I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
You Might Also Like
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
greetings!
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again