My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!