My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”