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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.