My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.