The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
they should invent a hydrating liquor