Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When news reporters do sports stories
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Breaking news:
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.