My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
You Might Also Like
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The internet is magic sometimes.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
This trial is so absurd 😭
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
A choir of Spring onions
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.