What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.