My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Finally! 😈
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.