we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.