Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy