Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Unexpected Judgment
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.