Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…πππΆ
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Babyβs dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Just fully made my bed as if Iβm not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
me: my momβs here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no iβve pretty much known her my whole life
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. Sheβs a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit weβre seeing one another.
i canβt wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Condom commercials shouldnβt make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: Itβs a rare occurrence, so youβre special.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like βi can tell youβre really intelligentβ couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DONβT SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.