[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”