Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.