Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.