*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
You Might Also Like
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”