I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true