Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.