The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
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Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year