[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
This hospital has everything
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.