Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?