[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”