[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.