My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO