[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!