FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.