My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.