[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.