Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Meanwhile in Canada…
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
no such thing as a dumb question
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.