Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
#polloftheday
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me